Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Cruelty to Peeps

In endless shadows
Frozen telepathic peeps
Dream, and scream, and die

    -- Captain Infinity

The Mad Scienticians have a very special experiment for you this week, for we are celebrating not one, but two auspicious occasions. The first, of course, is Easter; the second, our 50th post here at Infusions of Grandeur.

And what better way to celebrate Easter than creating Marshmallow Peeps vodka? True, it's not an idea that most people's logical thought processes would produce, but that's why we're Mad Scienticians, folks. We picked up a pack of purple Peeps (say that three times fast) and began this horrendous deed.

We decided that one Peep was not sufficient. No, it was not enough for a single Peep to die alone; we wanted the Peep to see the fear in the carnauba wax eyes of one of its comrades before it was all over.

After placing a second Peep into the jar, I allowed my most sadistic impulses to take over, and began to drown the Peeps in filtered vodka. (Even we aren't cruel enough to expose Peeps to raw Vladimir... we save such deeds for Ferretts.)

The Peeps float atop the vodka, still pleading for mercy even as their purple sugary coating begins to dissolve.

Just to shatter any delusions of mercy they may still entertain, I ate one of their brethren right in front of them.

With that, we closed the jar, sealing the Peeps to their doom. You can see the vodka already turning purple as they slowly dissolve.

By the next day, as I entered the laboratory and recalled my abhorrent acts of the night before, only lifeless, shapeless white lumps of marshmallowy goodness remained of the poor Peeps.

By this point it was too late; I had been consumed by the dark side. This was bad science, folks, and went against the very principles that Infusions of Grandeur was founded upon. For the remainder of my days, the terrible deaths of these innocent Peeps will lie on my conscience, and I must learn to live with that shame.


Unknown said...


have not you heard the story of the peep beverage? Ask bevin or me (Denise) later.. about the valentine peep drink. this is a BAD PLANZ

Brendan said...

Oh, I've heard the stories.

"I calculated the odds of this succeeding against the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid... and I went ahead and did it anyway!" -Crow T. Robot

Road to Hell said...

This is awesome. You stick it to those smug marshmallow chicks!

Anonymous said...

i never trusted those peeps anyways...
and the colors scare me

Anonymous said...

This site is hilarious- great job guys!!! Who knew this is what I would come up with after Googling "Peeps and vodka" for the mythical “Peeps shot” I was curious about – there are others like you out there :) Your filtration process is genius and I may be tempted to grab a bottle of Mohawk and send it through a Brita- although I shudder at the thought of consuming that liquid again after the “we’re broke, underage and have Mohawk vodka and 7up” night oh so long ago…. Cheers.